A Tale of Three Fathers

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In the town of Normal, Pennsylvania, there’s a little church at the corner of Wilson and Elm. The congregation includes many fathers and sons and daughters, of course. And on Father’s Day the sons and daughters celebrated their fathers in many different ways. These are three of their stories.

Katie and Henry

When Pastor Henry O’Donnell came down to breakfast, his teenage daughter Katie was waiting for him with a gift and a joyful greeting of, “Happy Father’s Day.”

She followed that up with, “Oh Dad, you’re not going to wear that tie again, are you?”

The tie in question was green with a pink cartoon duck on it. Katie had given it to him when she was five, proudly telling him she had picked it out herself. Henry had worn it to preach every Father’s Day since. He always used the story of Katie giving him the tie in his sermons. During coffee hour many of the congregants would compliment Katie on her taste.

But by the time Katie was ten, she’d realized the tie was extremely ugly and the compliments were meant ironically. She begged her father to dispose of the tie. Henry always refused, just as he did this year.

Katie’s gift this Father’s Day was a box of golf balls. She also announced that she would be taking the family out to dinner. “Where?” Henry asked.

“It’s a surprise,” she told him.

That evening Henry, Katie, and her mother, Jennifer, drove to a new steak place in Tenor Falls called Buckeye Pete’s. Jennifer informed Henry that Katie had picked it out herself and made the reservation. What Jennifer didn’t know was that Katie chose this restaurant because of a particular tradition they had. If anybody came in wearing a tie, they would cut it off and hang it on the wall. Katie knew her father would wear the pink duck tie all day and figured she could finally be free of the embarrassment.

Katie led the family into Buckeye Pete’s. “Reservation for three under Katie O’Donnell,” she told the hostess. Then she stepped aside so the woman could see her father’s tie.

Only he wasn’t wearing the tie.

Katie’s mouth dropped open in amazement. Henry leaned down and whispered in her ear, “I’ve heard of this place, too.” Then he patted a bulge in his jacket pocket. Katie sighed. But the steak was terrific so it wasn’t a total loss.

Tyler

“What’s that?” four-year-old Mary Boyer asked. She was sitting with seven-year-old Tyler Park during coffee hour after church and looking at the Father’s Day card he had drawn in Sunday school. It showed a man in a black hat and trench coat engaged in a gun battle with some criminals.

“That’s my Dad,” Tyler replied. “He lives in Chicago. He’s a spy.”

“Really?” Mary asked, wide-eyed.

“Yep,” Tyler said, “but it’s a secret so don’t tell anyone. He’s saved the world forty-two times. He’s a hero and has a big chest full of medals that the President gave him.”

“Wow,” Mary marveled.

“What does your Dad do?” Tyler asked.

“He works in an office,” Mary said, with just a hint of jealousy in her voice.

Just then Mary’s father, Kevin Boyer, came to get her. Mary wondered how many times he had saved the world. She doubted it was more than half a dozen. The family headed out to the car, Mary’s parents laughing about the pastor’s tie. Mary didn’t get the joke. She thought the pink duck was kind of neat.

Meanwhile, Tyler showed his Mom, Audra, his card, explaining it in great detail.

“Do you think he’ll like it?” Tyler asked.

“I’m sure he will,” she replied, smiling. But Tyler noticed her eyes looked kind of sad.

They mailed the new card on the way home. After lunch, Tyler called his Dad. They talked for twelve minutes before Tyler’s Dad said he had to go to work at his job at the pizza joint. It was about seven minutes longer than Audra thought her ex would last.

After the conversation Tyler retreated to his room. Audra watched TV and tried not to worry about him. An hour or so later Tyler came out with an armload of drawings. “Mom, can I show you what I drew?” he asked.

“Sure,” Audra said. Tyler spread the papers out. They turned out to be a rough comic book featuring Audra as a superhero saving the world. As Tyler was finishing up his narration of the story he noticed there were tears in his Mom’s eyes.

“Are you sad, Mom?” he asked.

“No, honey,” Audra replied and gave Tyler a big hug.

Mary and Susie and Kevin

Like Tyler, Mary had made a card in Sunday school featuring a picture of her Dad. She had drawn him sitting on the couch watching TV. Kevin didn’t quite know how to take that. His wife Jill thought it was hilarious.

Mary didn’t draw the picture because Kevin was any more of a couch potato than the average guy – in fact, he spent as much time playing sports as he did watching them – she drew the picture because the gift she and her two-year-old sister Susie were giving their father was to wait on him hand and foot while he watched a stock car race on television.

When they got home Mary and Susie ordered Kevin to sit on the couch. Mary tucked a cozy blanket around him despite the fact that it was actually a fairly warm day. Then the two girls headed for the kitchen to get him a drink.

When they returned a few minutes later, Mary carrying a can of soda and Susie a glass of ice, Mary saw that the blanket was bunched up on Kevin’s lap.

“Your blanket fell,” she observed. She climbed up on the arm of the couch and pulled it back in place, making sure to tuck it in extra tight this time.

“Thanks, sweetie, but it’s a little warm,” Kevin gasped.

“I’ll fan you!” Mary cried with delight. She grabbed a magazine and began waving it vigorously.

“Thanks,” Kevin said after the fourth time she had accidentally swatted his ear. “I’m much cooler now.” He noticed Jill peeking in from the kitchen with a smirk on her face.

The girls joined their mother in the kitchen and returned a few minutes later with a big bowl of microwave popcorn.

“Look Daddy,” Mary said, “We made it ourselves.”

“Very impressive,” Kevin said. He took the bowl from them and noticed that half of the popcorn was scorched black.

“Eat it, Daddy!” Susie shouted. Kevin took a handful and tossed it in his mouth. He could just barely taste the butter under the overpowering flavor of charcoal. The girls watched expectantly. He took another handful.

Mary observed a bead of sweat trickle down Kevin’s temple. “You’re hot again,” she declared and picked up the magazine.

“It’s my turn to fan him!” Susie wailed. She grabbed the magazine and the two girls engaged in a tug of war. In the process they spilled Kevin’s soda in his lap. To his disappointment they completely missed the bowl of blackened popcorn.

“Sorry, Daddy,” the girls said in unison. Kevin took a deep breath. He knew they meant well.

When Kevin returned from changing his clothes, he could hear the girls in the kitchen arguing about who got to bring him his new drink. He turned off the TV just as they returned to the living room carrying a dangerously full glass of soda between them.

“Why did you turn the TV off?” Mary asked.

“The race is over,” Kevin lied. Mary and Susie looked disappointed. “You know what I’d really like to do now? Go to the park. Do you want to come with me?” The girls’ faces immediately perked up.

While they were getting ready Jill pulled Kevin aside and asked if he wanted her to take the girls to the park so he could enjoy the rest of the race in peace. “It’ll be my Father’s Day present to you,” she said.

“No, that’s okay,” Kevin replied. “I really do want to take them.”

A short time later he was sitting on a hard wooden bench by the playground with no snacks and no drinks and thankfully no cozy blanket watching his daughters play spies instead of watching cars going around in a circle really fast on TV. Most days he would have considered this a chore but today he found he was enjoying himself.

Then Mary fell and skinned her knee. As Kevin fussed over the slight wound Mary thought about Tyler’s Dad. Mary decided she was pretty glad that her father was just a businessman who lived in Normal instead of a hero spy that lived in Chicago. She gave Kevin a big hug and said, “Happy Father’s Day, Daddy.”

11 p.m.

At 11 p.m. Katie and Tyler and Mary and Susie were all in bed. Kevin was watching highlights of the race he had missed, Audra was leafing through Tyler’s drawings and Henry was hanging up his favorite tie until next year. It had been quite a fine Father’s Day for all of them.

For my Dad.

Rock Around the Flock – Part Two

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Read Part One

In the town of Normal, Pennsylvania, there’s a little church at the corner of Wilson and Elm. In an effort to attract more teens and young adults, Pastor Henry O’Donnell had recruited several congregants to form a church rock band. The hope was the modern music would appeal to a younger generation more than the usual dusty old hymns.

Two of the recruits for this band – lead singer Audra Park and guitarist Ian Wells – were excellent musicians. The rest of the group consisted of forty-four year old Missy Moore on drums, Kevin Boyer attempting to relive his high school garage band days on rhythm guitar, and church secretary Tammy Billings reluctantly rounding out the group on her upright bass.

Most of the congregation was skeptical of the idea, particularly the choir who had been replaced by the rock band and the three older women known collectively as the Little Old Ladies. But Pastor O’Donnell urged everyone to give the new music a chance. If it worked, the pews would be filled with new, young members, he promised.

The church already had two regular teen attendees – Pastor O’Donnell’s fifteen-year-old daughter Katie and her friend Tabitha. They were simultaneously intrigued and skeptical about the rock band. But O’Donnell was pleased to see them in the front pew on the Sunday of the band’s debut. It seemed an indication that his plan was working.

The band’s rehearsals had been a little rough around the edges. Missy was certainly an enthusiastic drummer but her beat tended to wander around a bit. Kevin was gradually shaking the rust off his guitar skills but frequently became so distracted by his attempts to strike just the right rock and roll pose that he missed changes. And Tammy’s bass style was more Bach than rock. But Ian and Audra managed to hold the whole thing together most of the time. On the morning of their debut Ian wasn’t sure they were ready, but neither was he sure they could significantly improve by delaying.

The band gathered in the choir room before service. Missy was the last to arrive and she made quite an entrance when she did. She was decked out in a leather mini-skirt, fishnet stockings and a red bustier. Her pale flesh bulged out around the edges of the bustier in a way that Ian thought would probably upset the congregation a lot more than the change in musical style.

As shocked as they were by Missy’s appearance she was equally shocked by their rather preppie attire. “We’re supposed to be a rock band!” she wailed. “You all look like you work in a department store!”

“Or like we’re going to church,” Tammy replied.

“I thought the point was to make the church more rock and roll,” Missy countered.

“Well, there’s nothing any of us can do about what we’re wearing now,” Audra said, trying not to stare at Missy. “We’re on.”

When the band entered the chancel two minutes before the start of service the congregation immediately fell silent, except for Katie and Tabitha in the front pew, who had to bury their faces in their arms to contain their laughter. Pastor O’Donnell stared at Missy and for the first time began to question the wisdom of his idea.

The plan was for the band to open service with their first song. Everyone in the sanctuary leaned forward, including the choir members and the Little Old Ladies. Even the most adamant opponents of rock music in church were still curious to see how the band would do.

Missy tapped her drumsticks together to count out the beat and they launched into their first number, an upbeat if rather generic piece of Christian light rock. Any hope Ian had that they would rise to the occasion was quickly dashed. Missy’s adrenaline caused her to pick a tempo half again as fast as they’d practiced. Kevin had a hard time keeping up so he compensated by playing louder. The congregation slumped back in their pews. Their curiosity had been satisfied and now they were simply trying to get through the audio onslaught.

The band would have been better off just trying to get through it themselves. But Kevin noticed the lack of enthusiasm coming from the pews and decided what they needed was more stage presence. He began channeling the guitar heroes of his youth and tromped across the stage, head flailing.

The guitar heroes of his youth had probably practiced their stage moves, however, to assure that they wouldn’t make the kind of blunder Kevin made. As he danced backwards behind Ian during an instrumental portion of the song, he tripped on Ian’s guitar cord, simultaneously unplugging it and sending Kevin tumbling onto his backside.

Both guitars fell silent leaving only Missy and Tammy to carry the song. Missy tried to save things by launching into a prolonged drum solo. A few members of the congregation began to wonder if Missy was having some kind of seizure. Even more congregants discovered an urgent need to visit the restroom and slipped out of the sanctuary.

Pastor O’Donnell hung his head sadly. But through it all Katie and Tabitha thrust their hands in the air and swayed in time with the music.

Ian got his guitar plugged back in, Kevin regained his feet and mercifully the song came to an end. However Missy made a rather overly dramatic flourish as she struck the last symbol chime and heard a ripping sound from the back of her bustier. As Katie and Tabitha clapped wildly and the rest of the congregation stared in stunned silence, Missy slipped off the drum stool and backed out through the rear chancel doors, her hands holding the bustier precariously in place.

Missy returned in time for the next song wearing a choir robe, which pretty much everyone agreed was an improvement. The remainder of the band’s songs in the service went comparatively better than the first. But only comparatively.

After the service ended Katie and Tabitha ran up to Pastor O’Donnell. “That was awesome, Dad!” Katie said.

“Yeah,” Tabitha agreed. “Our friends will definitely come to church to see that!”

Then the two girls burst into laughter.

The following week marked the choir’s triumphant return with a selection of dusty old hymns.

Rock Around the Flock – Part One

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In the town of Normal, Pennsylvania, there’s a little church at the corner of Wilson and Elm. Like most churches, they are always looking for ways to bring in more young people. Unfortunately the current crop of young people is notorious for not being particularly interested in traditional church services. So it was with great excitement that Senior Pastor Henry O’Donnell gathered the staff of the little church one Tuesday morning to declare that he had found the solution.

Henry had spent the weekend at a pastoral conference attending a variety of mind numbing seminars and speakers. But one seminar late on the second day called, “Making Church Cool,” had so piqued his interest that he had actually stayed awake for the entire hour. Susan, the vivacious young woman with the dazzling smile who led the seminar, laid out the psyche of her generation in a way that completely transformed Henry’s way of thinking.

He explained all of this to the little church’s staff who, in spite of their better judgment, found themselves leaning forward in anticipation of this sure-fire youth attracting method. Henry paused to milk maximum drama from the moment. Then he said:

“We need a house rock band.”

The staff stared at him. It was not quite the reaction Henry had hoped for. The thing was a church rock band wasn’t exactly a revolutionary idea. But Susan had used a very persuasive Power Point presentation with lots of impressive statistics. Henry tried without success to remember some of them.

Finally he resorted to simple logic. “Today’s young people don’t want to hear dusty hymns. They listen to rock and roll. Heck, I listen to rock and roll when I’m not at church and I’m hardly young. Churches that incorporate modern music into the service often see a dramatic increase in youth attendance.”

“What about the choir,” asked choir director Shane Reed.

Henry realized he had not considered the choir. “Maybe you can provide back up for the band,” he suggested. “And you can still do special performances like the Christmas concert.”

“I’m not sure the choir members are going to be too happy about singing back up to a rock band,” Shane replied. He was none too happy about the idea himself.

“We’ll figure it out,” Henry said. “Sometimes change is a little painful but it’s still necessary.”

“Where are we going to get this band,” asked Associate Pastor Michelle Tellum.

Another annoying detail Henry hadn’t considered. “There must be members of the congregation who play rock instruments. Your boyfriend plays guitar, right?”

“Yeah…” Michelle replied. Ian, her boyfriend, played guitar in a jazz band. She thought he might be willing to play in a rock band as well, but doubted that he would be very excited about a regular gig at the church.

As it turned out, she knew Ian pretty well. He was definitely not excited when she told him about the idea. But he agreed to do it because he didn’t want her to look bad in front of Pastor O’Donnell who was, after all, her boss.

“Who else is in the band?” Ian asked her.

“Well, you’re the first,” Michelle admitted.

“Great,” Ian sighed. “Hey, you should get Audra to be the lead singer.”

“Good idea,” Michelle said. And it was a good idea. Audra was a new member of the church and had a fantastic voice. She was also young and pretty and Michelle felt a small pang of jealousy that Audra had come so quickly to Ian’s mind.

Still, Michelle did ask Audra to sing in the rock band. Audra initially declined, but when she heard Ian had requested her personally she changed her mind. “Ian’s a great guitarist,” she gushed. “If he’s doing it I guess I could give it a try.” Michelle did her best to be sincere when she thanked Audra.

Not everyone in the church was reluctant to participate. When word of the band got around, Missy Moore quickly volunteered to play drums. All concerned were surprised. Nobody even knew Missy played drums. Missy was a big, cheerful forty-four year-old woman who did not seem like the rock and roll type. But she assured Pastor O’Donnell and the founding members of the band that she had been playing drums since high school and owned her own drum set. This last fact sealed the deal.

Kevin Boyer also begged to participate. This was another surprise because Kevin usually begged not to participate in church activities. But Kevin had been part of a garage band in high school. That band had big dreams but lacked an equivalently sized work ethic. The highlight of their career was playing at Kevin’s sister’s fifteenth birthday party. The prospect of picking up “the axe” again sent a wave of youthful nostalgia through Kevin.

By axe, Kevin of course meant guitar. Kevin assured Ian that he would be happy playing rhythm guitar to Ian’s lead. Ian suggested Kevin try playing bass since they needed one. But bass did not fit with the rock star image in Kevin’s dreams.

As it turned out, the position of bass player proved very difficult to fill. Finally church secretary Tammy Billings agreed to the job. Tammy didn’t play bass guitar, but she did play the upright bass. Ian assured everyone that though it might look funny to have an upright bass in a rock band the sound was basically equivalent when the strings were plucked.

While the band was forming Henry was dealing with the fallout among the broader congregation. Shane was correct in his assessment that the choir would not be happy about being replaced by a rock band. There were even threats of a boycott.

The Little Old Ladies – three senior members of the congregation who were no more fans of rock music than they were fans of today’s youth – echoed those threats. Celia Simmons was a member of both the choir and the Little Old Ladies and was so wound up Henry feared she might explode. He urged everyone to just give the new direction a chance and promised when the church was full of teens and young adults they would all appreciate his plan.

As the day of the band’s debut approached, Ian hoped the pastor was right.

To be continued…

The Baby Shower

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In the town of Normal, Pennsylvania, there’s a little church at the corner of Wilson and Elm. A few months ago church member Carrie Winslow-Lopez announced she was pregnant with her first child. Fellow member Missy Moore was inordinately thrilled by this news and thought the church should throw Carrie a baby shower. Missy and Carrie were not particularly close friends, but Missy loved planning showers of all types.

Carrie and her husband Carlos gladly accepted. Not only were they flattered at Missy’s thoughtfulness, but both had recently lost their jobs so they kind of needed the gifts.

Missy’s first decision was to make the shower co-ed. After all, she reasoned, why should the guys miss out on all the fun?

Kevin Boyer had no trouble coming up with good reasons. The primary one was that it all sounded like a lot of girly nonsense to him.

Kevin worked out an elaborate excuse involving an important weekend business obligation. Unfortunately his wife Jill knew Kevin’s only real obligation was to a televised golf game that had nothing to do with his job. She informed him he would, in fact, be attending the shower. “Why,” Kevin whined.

“Because it would be rude not to,” Jill snapped. “Besides, you’ll have fun.”

After arguing the point in vein for several days, Kevin finally relented and turned his attentions to convincing his buddy Thad to go as well. Kevin figured he’d enjoy himself more if his friend was also suffering.

Kevin certainly needn’t have worried that he would be the only man there. Carrie’s husband Carlos was naturally obligated to attend, as was her father, Del. And it would have been poor form for Pastor O’Donnell to be absent. Organist Walter Tibble happily checked the “yes” box on his RSVP. He had never been to a baby shower and was curious to see how they worked. Like most organists, Walter was a little weird.

Kevin may not have been exactly eager to attend but he did hold out hope for a fun afternoon. After all, since it was co-ed he assumed Missy wouldn’t make the event too girly. Those hopes began to fade, however, as he and Jill entered the social hall and found it festooned in pink and white ribbon and balloons with cardboard pictures of babies taped up every five feet.

Before long Kevin was huddled with the rest of the men in one corner of the social hall sipping punch while the women laughed and compared parenting stories in a ring of folding chairs Missy had set out.

One of Missy’s favorite things about showers were the games and she had a long list prepared. For the first, she gave everyone a pink plastic clothespin upon entering and informed them that if they said the words “baby” or “pregnant,” the first person who heard them got to take their clothespin and any others they’d collected. Whoever had the most clothespins by the time cake was served got a prize.

Walter collected the first clothespin among the group of guys when Pastor O’Donnell commented that he hadn’t attended his own wife’s baby shower. “You said a forbidden word,” Walter chortled. O’Donnell sighed and handed over his clothespin.

“I didn’t go to my daughters’ baby showers either,” Kevin immediately said.

“Clothespin!” Ralph shouted.

Kevin handed it over thankfully. He was not really a fan of party games.

The rest of the men were good sports and tried to watch what they said, but before long Walter had collected all six of the clothespins initially handed out to the guys. He clipped them proudly down the front of his shirt.

Then Missy announced that it was time to play “Identify the Baby Food.” She had peeled the labels off eight jars of baby food and everyone was to guess what the mush inside was from appearance and smell. While the other guests crowded around the row of tiny jars, Kevin excused himself to go to the restroom.

Once Missy tallied up all the entries, she announced the winner: Walter Tibble. Walter leaped to his feet with a victory whoop, hands thrust into the air. “He got a perfect eight for eight,” Missy noted.

“How do you know so much about baby food?” Jill asked in amazement.

“Clothespins!” Walter shouted in response to Jill’s slip of the tongue. He collected the three clothespins she’d acquired on his way up to get the prize for the baby food game – a jar of applesauce. Missy did have a wacky sense of humor.

The next game was “How Big is Mommy’s Tummy?” Each participant was to cut a string at the length they thought would encircle Carrie’s pregnant belly. Whoever got the closest to her actual circumference won.

Now it was Pastor O’Donnell’s turn to visit the bathroom. He didn’t need to, but nineteen years of marriage made him uncomfortable when it came to guessing the size of women’s bodies.

When the strings were collected and compared to the one Carrie had cut, they discovered Walter had won again. Walter did a little victory dance as he collected his prize – a box of multi-colored ribbons.

“Okay,” Missy said as Walter skipped away. “The next game is the Bottle race. We’ll see who can suck a baby bottle dry the fastest.”

At this point Thad noticed that neither Kevin nor Pastor O’Donnell had returned to the party. He decided to investigate.

Walter was the winner of the baby bottle race, too, though Del gave him a run for his money. After consuming so much liquid in such a short period of time, Del found he had to use the restroom. And it was at this point that people started to notice the absence of so many of the men.

But then everyone became distracted by Missy’s next game – a version of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey where contestants tried to pin a paper baby on the pregnant belly of a blown-up photo of Carrie. Walter won again.

“Walter, maybe you should go look for the other men,” Jill suggested grumpily.

“You’re not getting rid of me that easily,” Walter replied. “What’s the next game?”

“Guess the Chocolate,” Missy said. That game involved candy bars melted in baby diapers. The goal was to guess what kind of candy bar had been used in each.

“I’ll find the other guys,” Carlos said, eyeing the diapers uneasily. Carrie caught his look and got a premonition of the coming arguments over who was going to change their baby.

Ten minutes later the women watched in disgust as Walter claimed yet another prize. Jill looked around. Walter was the only man left in the room. She had a nagging feeling her husband might be behind this strange phenomena and decided enough was enough.

She headed back to the bathrooms and was about to knock on the men’s room door when she heard voices from a Sunday School classroom a few feet away. She peeked inside.

There were all the missing men, perched precariously on small plastic chairs around a kid’s height table playing poker for thumbtacks.

Jill cleared her throat. The men looked up. “Hi honey,” Kevin said. “Look, we made up our own shower game.”

Jill simply glared. Without another word, the guys put away their cards and returned to the party.

As they reentered the social hall, Walter beamed at them, his prizes cupped in his arms. “I won every game!” he gloated. “I’m the shower game king, baby!”

“Hey, you said a forbidden word,” Kevin noted.

Walter’s face fell. He tried to protest that he had used the word in a context that gave it a different meaning and thus it shouldn’t count, but everyone backed Kevin. Finally Walter reluctantly handed over his collection of clothespins.

“Kevin wins the clothespin game,” Missy declared. Walter pouted while she presented Kevin his prize – a gift card to a local Italian restaurant.

“Now it’s time for cake,” Missy declared.

Soon the guys had reunited in their original corner. “I think I kinda like these co-ed baby showers,” Kevin said around a mouthful of cake.

Walter just grumbled to himself.

The Easter Outing

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In the town of Normal, Pennsylvania, there’s a little church at the corner of Wilson and Elm. As a special treat for Easter this year Sunday School teacher Karen Winslow planned to take her class, the “Guppies,” on a field trip to a petting zoo.

She recruited Kevin Boyer, whose four-year-old daughter Mary was in the Guppies class, to drive the church van and assist in chaperoning. Karen assumed – wrongly – that Mary would behave better if her father was along on the trip. Kevin wasn’t anxious to spend the morning with seven preschoolers, but on the other hand it didn’t seem any worse than sitting through another of Pastor O’Donnell’s extra-long Easter sermons.

By the time they were ready to leave, Kevin was already suffering from a headache. Mary and his other daughter, Suzie, had gotten up an hour early to find out what exotic concoctions of sugar, food coloring and high fructose corn syrup the Easter bunny had left in their Easter baskets. For some reason this process was accompanied by wild screeching and running about the house. Kevin yelled repeatedly for the girls to “keep it down,” but apparently whatever the Easter bunny mixed into the candy also impaired his children’s hearing.

As the van made its way from the church to the edge of town, many of the occupants’ thoughts turned to God on this holy day.

“Dear Lord,” Kevin prayed, “please clear the streets of traffic and grant me green lights so we can get to the stupid petting zoo quickly and I can take a nap in the van while the kids play.”

“Heavenly Father,” Karen prayed, “please make Kevin slow down so we don’t get in an accident.”

“Dear God,” Mary prayed, “please don’t let Mrs. Winslow see me eating my chocolate eggs.”

Mary had smuggled a dozen chocolate eggs into her coat pockets that morning in direct defiance of her parents’ instructions to only eat one piece of candy and leave the rest on the kitchen counter until after lunch. She knew it was risky to enjoy her contraband in the packed confines of the van, but temptation was overruling her good sense – as it usually did.

She retrieved a single candy egg and quietly peeled the foil from the chocolate that was now a gooey blob from the warmth of her pocket. She slipped it into her mouth, smiling in satisfaction at her stealth. Disobedience made the candy extra delicious.

“Mrs. Winslow, Mary has chocolate!” Sierra Smith shouted from the seat behind her.

“Do not!” Mary protested. But the soft chocolate had left incriminating splotches on her fingers and lips.

“Empty your pockets, Mary,” Karen instructed.

Mary reluctantly produced the stash of chocolate eggs.

“If she brings candy she’s supposed to share,” Sierra pointed out.

“Normally that’s true…” Karen started to say. She didn’t get to finish the thought. The Guppies descended on Mary like a school of piranhas. In no time the chocolate eggs were gone, two thirds into the children’s stomachs and one third smeared across their hands which were now distributing it to various surfaces of the van.

Karen tried in vain to calm the feeding frenzy. Then a loud BANG silenced the children.

The right rear tire of the van had blown out. The momentary quiet was quickly filled by high pitched screams. A second later the children joined Kevin in his screaming.

Kevin managed to steer the vehicle over to the side of the road. Kevin and Karen both exited the van to examine the flat. Karen called for a tow truck to change the tire. “They’ll be here in forty-five minutes,” she informed Kevin. “It’s a holiday.”

Kevin eyed the van which was shaking from the chaos of the wild, screaming beasts inside. “Guppies” seemed like a less and less appropriate name with each passing minute. “We have a spare,” he said. “I’ll change it myself. You watch the kids.”

Karen also eyed the van. “Why do you get to change it? I know how to change a tire. You watch the kids.”

“I think watching kids sounds more like your job.”

“Why? Because I’m a woman? That’s sexist!”

“Okay, okay,” Kevin said. “Let’s flip for it.” He produced a coin and Karen called heads. It came up tails. Karen sighed and returned to the van while Kevin got the spare tire out of the back.

Kevin whistled while he loosened the lug nuts on the flat. It helped him drown out the screams and bangs from inside the van.

The last lug nut proved extremely difficult to loosen. Kevin had to stomp on the lug wrench with his foot to get it started. It finally budged a fraction of an inch. Then another. He grabbed the wrench with both hands and eased his weight onto it.

The lug nut popped loose. The wrench banged down onto the pavement, smashing Kevin’s fingers under it. Kevin did a little jig, clutching his hands between his thighs and expressing his pain verbally with a colorful and detailed string of profanity he usually reserved for watching sports.

He froze when he realized the noise from the van had stopped. He looked back over his shoulder and saw seven preschoolers and one fuming teacher staring out the window at him.

Kevin grinned sheepishly and told Karen that for safety reasons the kids should probably get out of the van before he jacked it up. He suggested she take them on a nature walk. Karen thought that was a good idea.

Kevin finished changing the tire while Karen pointed out a variety of ants, grasshoppers and weeds to the kids on their nature walk through the vacant lot across the street. Ten minutes later they were on their way again.

They reached the petting zoo and turned the kids loose on the animals. Kevin and Karen flopped down on a bench to watch. “Thank you, Lord, for getting me through that ordeal,” Kevin prayed silently.

Then Sierra got bit by a duck. She shouted out the same string of profanity that Kevin had used earlier, recalling it with remarkable precision.

Kevin looked at the sky. “Very funny,” he said.


(In loving memory of uncle Gene.)

Trustees

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In the town of Normal, Pennsylvania, there’s a little church at the corner of Wilson and Elm. One Sunday during coffee hour Pastor Henry O’Donnell approached Kevin Boyer to ask him to serve on the church board of trustees. The pastor explained that he liked to rotate new blood onto the decision making organs of the church from time to time to keep things fresh and involve the younger generation in leadership.

Kevin was reluctant. He told the pastor that he wasn’t sure if he had the time to give proper attention to such an important position (by which he really meant that he feared serving as a trustee might cut into his time watching football on TV or playing basketball with his friends on Sunday afternoons). Besides, Kevin added, he didn’t even really know what a trustee was.

“The trustees are responsible for the physical plant,” Pastor O’Donnell explained. “They approve repairs and improvements to the building, buying new furniture, that sort of thing. The church office handles all the actual contracting and so forth. The trustees simply oversee it. They meet every two months for an hour or so after church.”

Kevin hemmed and hawed but Pastor O’Donnell was persistent. Finally Kevin admitted that it sounded like something he could handle. “Good,” Pastor O’Donnell replied, slapping Kevin on the shoulder. “I think you’re going to enjoy it.” The pastor wasn’t above the occasional little white lie when recruiting church members to service.

A few minutes later 70 year-old Henrietta Miggins stomped over to Kevin. “So,” Henrietta said, “I hear Pastor O’Donnell put you on trustees. As chairwoman I need to explain a few things about your duties.”

Neglecting to mention that Henrietta was chair of trustees was another one of Pastor O’Donnell’s recruiting strategies.

“Our job is to make sure member’s tithes are wisely spent,” Henrietta continued. “There are people who would throw church money around like it has an expiration date. You wouldn’t believe the crazy stuff folks want to buy when they don’t have to pay for it out of their own pocket. This generation has no sense of thriftiness or responsibility. In my day people knew the value of the dollar. I expect you to show similar restraint. Do you understand me?”

“Yes ma’am,” Kevin said. He didn’t customarily use the word “ma’am” but somehow it seemed to fit Henrietta.

“Good.” Henrietta replied with a stern frown. “We’re meeting at noon next week. Be punctual.”

The following week, Del Winslow came up to Kevin in coffee hour and offered him a donut. “Just wanted to welcome the newest trustee,” Del said. “Don’t worry, it’s not so bad. Just be careful not to get Ralph going on some long rant about healthy snacks at coffee hour.”

“Frankly, I’m still not quite sure what trustees do,” Kevin admitted as he bit into the jelly donut.

“It’s not hard,” Del told him. “For example, notice how the linoleum in here is chipped and peeling?” He gestured around the room. The floor was in pretty bad shape.

“Today we’re voting to replace it with a hard wood floor which, incidentally, will improve the acoustics dramatically. The choir performs in here from time to time, and let me tell you, it’s pretty awful.”

Kevin nodded sagely trying not to let on that he knew about as much about acoustics as he did the chemical composition of the soil on Venus.

“Mostly it’s pretty straightforward stuff like that. That old crow Henrietta Miggins throws a fit over every dime we spend but I just ignore her. It’s our job to keep this place in good order. We can’t have it falling down around us now, can we? Enjoy your donut.” Del clapped Kevin on the back and headed off to refill his coffee cup.

As Kevin dabbed at a jelly spot on his shirt with a napkin, his wife Jill returned from retrieving their two girls from Sunday school. She asked if he was ready for his first big trustees meeting.

“I guess,” Kevin said.

“Well, I’m proud of you,” Jill beamed. “Missy was just telling me how you guys are going to put hardwood flooring in here. That will be so pretty. I’ll take the girls to get some lunch and we’ll pick you up when you’re done.”

She kissed him and headed out. Then Ralph Billings came over. “How do you feel about the environment?” Ralph asked.

“I guess I’m for it,” Kevin said.

“Good. I’ve been trying to get the trustees to approve several green initiatives for the church. I hope I can count on your support.”

Kevin began to suspect he’d wandered into a minefield without being aware of it. As he considered how to reply, Henrietta Miggins called for them to come to the church office.

“Our first item on the agenda is the floor in the social hall,” Henrietta said once all seven committee members and Pastor O’Donnell were seated. “We have to make a decision today – replace the linoleum that has served us well for twenty years with newer linoleum or switch to more expensive hardwood flooring.”

Within seconds a heated debate had erupted. On the one hand Del Winslow, choir director Shane Reed and Missy Moore wanted hardwood flooring for its acoustic value and attractiveness.

Henrietta of course thought hardwood was far too extravagant. She was supported by Celia Simmons, a 73 year-old African American woman who was a member of the choir but shared Henrietta’s opinions on thrift.

When Ralph’s turn came to talk he said, “The choir always gets whatever it wants. I think we should put in linoleum and use the savings to buy energy efficient lighting.”

Pastor O’Donnell declined to take a side, reminding them that as clergy he was not technically a voting member of the committee.

Kevin discovered he was the swing vote. As the two sides lobbied him on their respective points of view, he tried to give Pastor O’Donnell a dirty look but the pastor’s attention seemed focused on his cuticles and he never met Kevin’s gaze.

Finally Kevin said he needed to use the restroom and beat a hasty retreat.

As he was returning, he encountered Jose, the church janitor, mopping the social hall. “Hi Jose,” Kevin said. “Hey, can I get your opinion on something? We’re going to replace this floor. Do you think hardwood or linoleum would be better.”

Jose pondered the question then shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess linoleum. It lasts longer.”

Kevin thanked him and returned to the meeting. After another twenty minutes of debate, Henrietta called for a vote. It came around to Kevin tied 3-3. “Linoleum,” Kevin said. “It lasts longer.”

The hardwood camp groaned and protested but Henrietta declared the matter decided. Del glared at Kevin and he suspected he hadn’t heard the end of this subject. But for the moment he didn’t care. He was due at a basketball game with his friends.