Crutches

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In the town of Normal, Pennsylvania, there’s a little church at the corner of Wilson and Elm. Twenty-eight year-old Associate Pastor Michelle Tellum recently injured her right ankle playing on the church’s softball team. Her doctor gave her a pair of crutches and instructed her to avoid putting any weight on the ankle for two weeks.

Michelle quickly discovered that the crutches were more of an inconvenience than she at first anticipated. Previously, walking across the room had required the use of both her legs. Now it required the use of both her hands as well, which made carrying things a challenge. So on Monday morning it took Michelle about forty minutes longer than normal to get ready for work.

Another challenge was that Michelle could not drive without the use of her right foot. Fortunately she had a very considerate boyfriend named Ian who was happy to ferry her around. Well, perhaps “happy” was a bit of an exaggeration, but “willing” anyway.

Ian’s willingness began to waver as he sat on Michelle’s couch that morning watching the minutes tick by. Her occasional assurances from the bathroom that she was “almost ready” didn’t really help. Ian’s boss at the insurance office where he worked was pretty cool but that didn’t mean Ian could just stroll in whenever he wanted. However Michelle looked so pitiful struggling awkwardly around the apartment carrying things between her teeth that Ian kept his growing frustration to himself.

When they arrived at the church they encountered church secretary Tammy Billings coming out. “I’m going to pick up some office supplies,” she said. “Pastor O’Donnell is on a hospital visit. Will you be okay here alone?”

“Of course,” Michelle replied. “I’m going to finish that article I’m supposed to do for the newsletter.”

Ian escorted Michelle down to her office on the lower level. Navigating the stairs took some time. Michelle put both crutches under one arm, grabbed the hand rail and hopped down step by step. Ian offered to help but Michelle wanted to get used to doing it on her own.

Once she was safely ensconced behind her desk, Ian asked if she needed anything else. “Nope,” she said. “You’d better get to work. You’re going to be awfully late.”

Ian just smiled and kissed her on the forehead.

Three seconds after she heard his car pull out of the parking lot, Michelle realized what she should have asked him to do for her. Michelle’s brain required a certain fuel to perform its best in the morning: coffee. But the church’s coffee maker was upstairs in the main office. Michelle considered waiting until Tammy or Pastor O’Donnell returned, but she didn’t know how long that would be. And now that the thought of coffee had entered her mind she could think of nothing else.

“I can do this,” she declared. She grabbed her crutches and hopped her way up the stairs. She maneuvered across the social hall and into the main office where she poured herself a mug of steaming, delicious, energizing coffee. Then she remembered that she couldn’t carry it back to her office while using the crutches.

But Michelle was resourceful. There were dozens of folding chairs along one wall of the social hall. Michelle pushed several into a line from the office to the stairs leaving about four feet between each one. That way she could put the mug of coffee on a chair, take a step with her crutches, then move the coffee to the next chair until she reached the stairs.

It was a labor-intensive process but Michelle was pretty proud of her ingenuity. She successfully reached the stairs and sat down. She slid down one step at a time on her rear, bringing her mug along with her.

Next she had to navigate the hall from the stairs to her office. Here the most convenient chairs were in the classroom for the Guppies, the church’s pre-school Sunday school class. But as Michelle squeezed into the room between an art easel and a bin of toys, she lost her balance. Her crutches flailed wildly. One smacked into the cage of the Guppies’ classroom pet, Barry the Bunny.

Barry freaked out, hopping madly about the cage with a terrifying shriek. Meanwhile, Michelle managed to regain her balance without falling on her face.

Michelle had not known bunnies were cable of screaming. She cooed at the poor animal until it was placated. Then she gave it a rabbit treat. She hoped Barry was a forgiving bunny.

Once she’d set up a row of plastic kids’ chairs in the hall, she repeated her step-by-step process until she was back in her office with her mug. She had worked harder for that coffee than she’d ever worked for a beverage before. Which would make it all the more satisfying, she thought as she brought the mug to her lips.

The coffee was cold.

Cold coffee was not satisfying at all. Michelle sighed and headed back upstairs to refill the mug. Now that her chair chain was in place she figured this time she could get the coffee back to her office before it cooled down.

Which would most likely have been true if one of her crutches hadn’t caught the leg of a chair when she was half way across the social hall. The blow caused the mug to fall off the chair, spilling the coffee.

Michelle looked down at the puddle on the floor and took a deep, calming breath. “Tammy can clean that up when she gets back,” she mumbled petulantly. And where was Tammy anyway? How long did it take to get office supplies?

Michelle hobbled back to the main office. Just as she was about to refill her mug, she noticed a travel mug sitting on Pastor O’Donnell’s desk. A travel mug was perfect – she could carry it while using her crutches with no danger of spilling. She was certain Pastor O’Donnell wouldn’t mind her borrowing it given her condition.

It worked beautifully. However when she reached the bottom of the stairs she was startled to see Barry the Bunny looking at her from the middle of the hallway. When her crutch struck his cage it must have dislodged the latch allowing him to escape.

Michelle set the travel mug down and crouched, balancing on her good foot. “Come here, Barry,” she said in the most non-threatening voice she could. She held out her hand in a manner she hoped would suggest she had another rabbit treat.

Barry hopped cautiously toward her. Michelle remained as still and patient as possible. When Barry hopped within a couple feet, Michelle quickly reached out to grab him.

But the sudden motion threw her off balance again and she pitched forward. This time she did land on her face. Startled, Barry darted past her. She rolled over in time to see him hopping up the stairs toward the social hall.

Michelle pulled herself up and grabbed her crutches. She hopped up the stairs after Barry, though not quite as quickly as the spooked rabbit had. By the time she reached the top Barry was exploring the social hall.

Michelle swung the crutches under her arms and went after Barry. He scampered away. Michelle pursued. Barry used the chairs like a slalom course, weaving in and out. Michelle followed awkwardly, wondering if rabbits were capable of thoughts of vengeance.

She finally got the rabbit cornered, but then Barry doubled back and shot beneath her wounded foot.

Michelle spun and lunged after the fleeing beast. But she hadn’t realized how close she was to the puddle of spilled coffee. Her left crutch landed in the liquid and slid out from underneath her. Michelle flew into the air and came down flat on her back in the middle of the puddle.

Which is where Tammy found her upon returning a few minutes later, Barry the Bunny lapping at the coffee by Michelle’s ear.

“Are you okay?” Tammy asked.

“I think I sprained my wrist,” Michelle moaned.

Tammy managed to catch the now hyperactive bunny after a short but impressive chase. Then she helped Michelle back down to her office. Michelle changed into some sweats she kept in her desk while Tammy retrieved a mug of coffee for her.

As Ian drove Michelle home that night he asked, “so, did you get your article written?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Michelle said. “And can we stop at the department store? I need to get a travel mug.”

The Ringer - Part Two

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In the town of Normal, Pennsylvania, there’s a little church at the corner of Wilson and Elm. Choir director Shane Reed, coach of the church softball team, the “Miracles,” was facing a problem. He’d brought on a new player, Audra Park, a pretty young single mother on whom he had a secret crush. But not everyone on the team was such a fan of Audra as Shane.

Not that Audra wasn’t good. She had been an all-star softball player in high school. But since joining the Miracles she’d gotten into the habit of barking out advice to the other players on the team. Her advice was always correct but not always appreciated. And she had usurped Del Winslow’s accustomed position at first base.

Furthermore, the two teenage girls on the Miracles, Katie and Tabitha, had gotten angry at Audra for stealing the attention of Steve and Blake, two boys from another team. The girls had fallen in love with them at first sight, but Steve and Blake were distracted when they learned Audra’s brother worked for the Pittsburgh Penguins hockey team. To make matters worse, the hussy had promised to get them game tickets. Katie and Tabitha quit the Miracles in protest.

Which left Shane with a hole in center field, a hole he needed to fill with a woman according to the co-ed league’s rules.

He found the solution in the church’s young associate pastor, Michelle Tellum. Not that Michelle was exactly eager to add another activity to her busy schedule. But Shane pointed out that the team was a good opportunity for church fellowship and that if he couldn’t recruit another woman they would have to disband. The appeal to Michelle’s pastoral commitment worked.

Shane arrived at the next practice happy to have solved his problem. His spirit faltered, however, when he saw Thad Wheeling playing catch with Audra’s six-year-old son Tyler. Audra was looking at Thad appreciatively and even touched his arm briefly when it was time to take the field. A pang of jealousy shot through Shane.

Shane didn’t know whether Thad was interested in Audra but he did know that Thad was younger than him, very handsome and very witty. He also knew Thad was single. And if Thad did have romantic designs on Audra then Shane thought it was a little underhanded of him to use Tyler to get to her.

On the other hand there was that old saying: all’s fair in love and war.

So after practice while everyone was packing up, Shane trotted over to Tyler. “Want to play some catch,” he asked.

“Nah,” Tyler said, not looking up from his comic book.

“Aw, c’mon,” Shane exhorted pulling the boy gently down out of the bleachers.

They tossed the ball back and forth, Shane shouting encouragement to the bored six-year-old. After a bit Shane glanced around to see if Audra was noticing how good he was with her son.

Audra was not noticing. She was busy talking to Thad by the drinking fountain. Thad said something that made her laugh and when she laughed her ponytail bounced fetchingly.

In his distracted state, Shane threw the ball back to Tyler a little harder than he’d intended. The boy missed the catch and the ball hit him in the face. Tyler wailed in pain.

Audra came running. Shane was devastated and apologetic. Fortunately Tyler had only suffered a bloody nose. Audra assured Shane that Tyler would be fine, but thought she better get him home.

As Shane watched them drive off, Thad slapped him on the shoulder and said, “Don’t worry about it. Kids get bloody noses all the time.”

Shane fought down his true feelings long enough to thank Thad for his kind words.

Sure enough, by the time the team gathered for the game that weekend Tyler and Audra seemed to have forgotten all about the incident. But Shane noticed that Tyler ran over to greet Thad when he arrived. The kid had not shown similar excitement toward Shane.

The game itself was a nail biter thanks to Audra’s seven RBI’s. Going into the final inning the Miracles were down by only one and batting last. The first batter was Senior Pastor Henry O’Donnell who hit a double to put the tying run on second.

Michelle was up next. After watching a ball and a strike, Michelle made a solid hit, sending the ball bouncing down the third base line. She dropped the bat and started to run.

However her first step landed squarely on the bat. Her ankle rolled and she fell to the ground with a cry. The third baseman snagged the ball and tossed it to first, giving the Miracles one out. But even worse Michelle couldn’t put any weight on her right foot without horrible pain.

Audra came up to the plate. The opposing pitcher intended to walk her but Audra wasn’t about to allow that. She stepped forward as the third ball sailed wide and took a swing. The ball flew out to left field and bounced up to the fence. Audra took off, rounded the bases, and scored a two-run in-the-park home run. The Miracles had won.

Their celebration was muted, however, due to the concern over Michelle’s injury. Shane examined her ankle in the dugout. It had become both the size and color of a cantaloupe. Thad and Shane carried Michelle to Shane’s car so he could take her to the emergency room. There would be no post game pizza party that evening.

Thad, Del and Pastor O’Donnell sat on the bleachers after the excitement rehydrating with sports drinks. “Looks like we’re going to need Katie or Tabitha back,” Del said.

“I don’t think that’s likely as long as Audra’s on the team,” O’Donnell replied. “They think she kept those boys from asking them out last game. I’m afraid it’s either Audra or them.”

“Audra’s really good,” Thad pointed out. “If it wasn’t for her no way would we have won this game.”

“Yeah, but it was more fun before,” Del said.

“You’re just annoyed that Shane gave her your position,” O’Donnell replied.

“Well I did play first base in college,” Del grumbled.

“It doesn’t matter,” Thad said. “I don’t think Shane will cut Audra anyway. I’m pretty sure he has a crush on her.”

“Maybe we need a new coach,” Del suggested. “Someone more objective.”

“Who would even want to do it,” O’Donnell asked. “You?”

“Maybe I would,” Del replied.

And where was Audra during this conversation? Stretching on the grass behind the bleachers. She heard every word.

Audra’s emotions were confused. On the one hand her feelings were hurt, of course. Whose wouldn’t be? But on the other hand she felt a flutter of delight to learn that Shane might have a crush on her. Because she also happened to have a crush on him. In fact she had talked to Thad mainly to make Shane jealous not quite realizing how effective the ploy had been. And though she was enjoying playing softball again, she didn’t want to cause problems for Shane or the team. So she made a decision.

She would quit.

Audra found Katie and Tabitha after church the following Sunday. “Listen,” Audra said, “I want to quit the Miracles but without Michelle and me they won’t have enough women. Do you think you two would consider rejoining?”

The girls were not displeased to hear that Audra was leaving the team but still reluctant to return themselves. Truth was, neither one of them was really that into softball.

“Tell you what,” Audra said. “You know how I promised those boys Steve and Blake that I’d get them tickets to a Penguins’ game next season?”

“Yeah,” Katie said evenly.

“If you rejoin the Miracles, I’ll get you two tickets as well.”

“We don’t like hockey,” Tabitha protested.

“I’ll get you tickets with Steve and Blake,” Audra clarified.

“Actually, hockey’s not so bad,” Katie said.

Next Audra found Shane and broke the news that she was quitting.

“No,” Shane cried. “We have a game this afternoon!”

“I’m sorry, but Tyler gets bored and a baby sitter is too expensive. However I have good news. Katie and Tabitha said they want to come back.”

“I guess that is good news,” Shane mumbled.

“By the way, do you like Ferris wheels?” Audra asked.

“What?” Shane said. “Um, sure, I guess so.”

“Because Tyler loves them and they make me queasy. We’re going to the amusement park on Saturday. Maybe you’d like to come along and ride the Ferris wheel with Tyler?”

“Sure,” Shane said, beaming.

That afternoon the Miracles took the field without Audra in the line up. They lost the game but had a great time doing it. And the next Saturday Shane enjoyed a day with Audra and Tyler at the amusement park. However neither Audra nor Shane managed to work up the nerve to kiss the other one.

The Ringer - Part One

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In the town of Normal, Pennsylvania, there’s a little church at the corner of Wilson and Elm. Choir director Shane Reed is the coach and second baseman of the church softball team, the “Miracles.” And this season Shane was delighted to have a new player: Audra Park.

Audra, a single mother of a six year-old boy named Tyler, had only joined the church a few months earlier. She was a sweet, quiet young woman with lovely delicate features and long black hair. And Shane had a crush on her.

But every time he tried to ask her out he froze up. And the more time passed, the harder it got. So when one day after church Shane asked Audra if she was interested in joining the Miracles he had actually intended to invite her out to dinner but just chickened out at the last minute.

When Audra responded positively to his impromptu softball invitation Shane was thrilled. In addition to spending time with her on the field they’d be going out for pizza after every game. Yes, the rest of the team would be there too, but it was a start.

“What position is she going to play?” Thad Wheeling, the team’s shortstop, asked Shane as they watched Audra stretch before the first practice. Thad guessed Audra weighed about a hundred pounds. She didn’t look like much of an athlete.

“I was thinking left field,” Shane replied, a dreamy smile on his face.

“Do you think her arm’s strong enough to throw all the way to the infield?”

“I don’t know,” Shane shrugged. “But she can’t be much worse than Tabitha.”

Tabitha was the teenage girl that had played left field the previous season. She was center fielder Katie O’Donnell’s best friend. Shane figured Katie and Tabitha could alternate innings at center.

This did not go over so well with the two teenage girls. They wanted to play together, not take turns riding the bench by themselves. But Shane made a big speech about the team being bigger than any one player. When that failed, he offered to pay their share of the post game pizza. They grudgingly agreed to this arrangement.

Shane started practice by hitting fly balls to the team. Thad stood beside him to catch the returning throws and feed them back to Shane. The first ball Shane hit toward Audra sailed long. Audra loped backwards, made the catch, spun, and fired the ball to Thad. It hit Thad’s glove with a resounding smack. He grunted in pain.

“Guess her arm’s okay,” Shane whispered.

It turned out a lot more than Audra’s arm was okay. In his excitement at the prospect of spending time with her, Shane never asked whether Audra had any experience. If he had, she would have told him about being an all-star second baseman on her state champion high school team.

Audra’s expertise became even more apparent as the Miracles started to scrimmage. When Katie fielded a deep fly ball and made a two bounce throw to first, Audra shouted, “Katie, you should use me as a cutoff man on those long throws.”

Later when Katie threw to first with a runner going to second, Audra called out, “play’s at second, Katie!”

Katie was getting annoyed at Audra’s coaching, but over on first base sixty-two year-old Del Winslow smiled with satisfaction. Finally someone who knew something about the game was helping out. Del liked Shane but felt the kid was a little too nice for a coach.

Then Audra yelled, “Del, you need to play farther left when nobody’s on base.”

During a break in practice Thad pulled Shane aside. “Audra’s awesome,” Thad enthused. “She’s wasted out there. You should move her to the infield.”

Shane agreed, so he told Del he was switching Audra to first and moving Del out to left field. “But I played first base in college,” Del protested.

Del’s college experience was three decades before Audra’s high school experience but Shane didn’t mention that. Instead he just said, “I’m experimenting a little.”

“Audra used to play second,” Del pointed out. “Maybe YOU should switch positions with her.”

“Look, I’m the coach and I really need you to work with me on this,” Shane pleaded.

Del scowled as he considered Shane’s earnestness. Finally he said, “I heard you offer to pay for Tabitha and Katie’s post game pizza.”

“I’d be happy to pay your share too if that’s an issue,” Shane said quickly. Del nodded and headed for the outfield, grumbling under his breath.

As practice continued and Audra grew more and more comfortable shouting instructions to the other players, Shane began to wonder if maybe she was kind of usurping his roll as coach. But his concerns were trumped by the fact that she looked really cute in a baseball cap. And after all, they were just playing for the fun of it.

The Miracles first game of the season was against the Cherubs, a team from a small Catholic church on the other side of town. The Cherubs had two teenage boys playing shortstop and second base. When Katie and Tabitha saw them take the field, the two girls fell in love at first sight.

As Katie stepped up to the plate for her first at-bat, she was more determined to get on base than she’d ever been before. She wanted to get a closer look at the guy she was already imagining in a tuxedo at their wedding.

“Katie, get the bat off your shoulder!” Audra yelled. Katie’s face reddened. She left the bat just where it was to teach the meddling Audra a lesson. Katie proceeded to strike out in three pitches. But at least she made her point.

“You can’t get the bat around fast enough if you rest it on your shoulder,” Audra explained as Katie slumped back into the dugout. Katie clenched her teeth so she wouldn’t violate the league’s no-swearing policy.

The Miracles kept it close but ended up losing by two runs. Apparently Katie’s poor hitting had not dented her appeal with the boys because they struck up a conversation with her and Tabitha after the game. Their names were Steve and Blake and they accepted the girls’ invitation to join the Miracles for the post-game pizza party.

As they were walking into the restaurant, Blake noticed that Audra’s son Tyler was wearing a Pittsburgh Penguin’s hockey jersey. “You a Pens fan, little man?” he asked.

Tyler shyly hid behind Audra’s legs. “My brother works in public relations for the team,” Audra told the boys.

“Really?” Steve asked, his eyes shining with excitement. It turned out Steve and Blake were both huge hockey fans.

“Yeah,” Audra said. “If you’re in Pittsburgh during the season some time I can hook you up with tickets.”

The boys were speechless.

For the next hour Katie and Tabitha sat fuming in a booth while Steve and Blake peppered Audra with questions about her brother’s job.

As Shane totaled up the cost of the meal and his four shares it occurred to him that it would have been cheaper if he’d just had the nerve to ask Audra out instead of bribing the girls and Del to make room for her on the team. But his pizza parlor expenses were about to lessen.

The following Sunday Katie and Tabitha informed him they were quitting the Miracles. “Free pizza just isn’t worth it,” Katie said.

With the next game two days away, Shane suddenly found himself a player short.

To be continued...

O'Donnell's Dream

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In the town of Normal, Pennsylvania, there’s a little church at the corner of Wilson and Elm. Last Sunday afternoon Pastor Henry O’Donnell flopped into the chair in his office with a sigh. It had been a long, exhausting morning.

Nothing out of the ordinary, mind you. Ralph Billings had snored loudly through the sermon. At coffee hour Henrietta Miggins had upbraided O’Donnell for twenty minutes with her opinion of the inappropriateness of a country-western song that choir director Shane Reed performed during service. Henrietta’s lecture would have been even longer but two of the Sunday school kids knocked over the coffee urn while fighting over a cookie. And then Del Winslow and Kevin Boyer had a minor fender bender in the parking lot.

Normally O’Donnell would have spent Sunday afternoon unwinding by working in his garden. But this weekend his in-laws were visiting. If he went home he would be expected to socialize and he did not find socializing with his in-laws to be relaxing.

So he told his wife Jennifer that he needed to study for a class he was taking on church history. The church encouraged pastors to take such continuing education courses regularly to improve their skills, though as O’Donnell opened up a book on Christianity in the Roman Empire he wondered what possible relevance it could have to the duties of a modern pastor.

O’Donnell devoured a fast food lunch that Jennifer would not have approved of and began working his way through dry text describing church culture in the fourth century. And, as so often happened when he studied after lunch, he soon fell asleep. And asleep, he dreamed…

In the town of Genoa in the Western Roman Empire there’s a little church at the corner of Palm and Olive. One Sabbath morning, Pastor Odonnellcus found himself having to shout to be heard over the snores of Ralphisisus. He wondered why none of the members of the congregation nudged old Ralphisisus awake. A part of Odonnellcus worried they preferred to have the sermon drowned out.

Following service, the worshippers gathered in the courtyard for fellowship. Before Odonnelcus could reach the refreshments table old Henrietta of Miggensagna stopped him.

“Excuse me, Pastor,” Henrietta began, “I wanted to ask you about the unusual hymn Shanistotle sang today. I’ve never heard it before.”

“It is of Syrian origin,” Odonnellcus told her. “Shanistotle recently learned it from an olive trader.”

“Ah,” Henrietta mused. “And you thought Syrian music was appropriate to perform in church?”

“Syrian songs are quite popular among the youth these days,” Odonnellcus pointed out. “Shanistotle thought it might attract more new converts if we introduced some new, popular musical styles.”

“In my day,” Henrietta noted, “we did not cater to the fashions of the youth simply to fill benches. When I was a girl we risked becoming a lion’s breakfast to attend church. And we took our worship seriously. We did not expect to be entertained. We didn’t even have music, let alone strange, foreign, degenerate music. Ever since Constantine legalized Christianity the so-called faithful have become so lazy I can’t imagine the church will survive the decade. Next thing you know people will be wanting to wear casual togas to services…”

Henrietta’s rant was interrupted by a loud crash. Two of the children had knocked over a wine decanter while fighting over a date. Odonnellcus could have kissed those two delightful tykes for giving him an excuse to cut short his conversation with Henrietta – even though it appeared a rug had been sacrificed for his rescue.

Once the mess was cleaned up Odonnellcus helped himself to a plate full of dates. He loved the sweet fruit, though his wife Jenniffia would nag him about eating so many. Thankfully women in this day and age were required to obey their husbands. No wonder Rome was the greatest civilization in history.

Unfortunately his enjoyment of the dates was interrupted by the sounds of an argument outside. Odonnellcus sighed and went to see what was going on.

It seemed Kevinicus had run into Delicus’s chariot while backing his own chariot out of its parking spot. “Look what you did,” Delicus screamed, gesturing at the minor scrape. “They ought to pull your charioteer’s permit.”

“You’re the pagan jerk that parked a four horse chariot in a two horse spot,” Kevinicus shot back, pointing to two painted horse silhouettes on the ground.

“All the full size spots were taken, you liberal nut,” Delicus grunted. “It doesn’t give you the right to just ram into me like a drunken Visigoth!”

“Gentleman,” Odonnellcus shouted. “There is no need for insults. It was an accident and I’m sure Kevinicus has insurance.”

The two men looked at him with confused expressions. “What is insurance,” Kevinicus asked.

Just then, Pastor O’Donnell was awakened by a knock at the office door. Church secretary Tammy Billings stuck her head in.

“Sorry to disturb you,” Tammy said.

“That’s okay,” O’Donnell replied groggily. “I was just studying.”

“Uh huh,” Tammy said, observing the small puddle of drool on his book. “Well, it seems our Internet access has gone down. I can’t get email.”

“At least Odonnelcus never had to deal with the Internet,” O’Donnell muttered.

Tammy frowned. She liked the pastor well enough, but sometimes he just made no sense at all.

Scott's Baptism

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In the town of Normal, Pennsylvania, there’s a little church at the corner of Wilson and Elm. A few months ago church members Carrie and Carlos Lopez gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Scott. Last Sunday they had Scott baptized during morning worship service.

Karen and Del Winslow are Carrie’s parents and thus Scott’s grandparents. Since Scott’s birth Karen had filled nearly a dozen hours of videotape with footage of him. And soon Del will have to purchase a new hard drive to accommodate all the digital photos she’s taken.

Karen had footage of Scott sleeping, footage of Scott eating, footage of Scott crying…well, that pretty much covered it. All he had really done up to this point was sleep, eat and cry. The prospect of filming an actual milestone event like the baptism had Karen in full director mode. She started filming from the moment they left the house.

When they arrived at church Del went to his accustomed place with the choir. The rest of the family normally sat toward the back of the sanctuary, but as they were to be part of the day’s service they moved up to the second pew so they wouldn’t have to walk so far when it came time for the baptism. The first pew remained empty. Nobody ever sat in the first pew.

No sooner had the service started than baby Scott woke up and began to cry. For reasons nobody could fathom he seemed to cry every time they brought him into the sanctuary. Carlos was, frankly, no fan of church but even he couldn’t understand why it bothered his infant son so much.

Carrie picked up Scott and paced up and down the side aisle trying with limited success to calm him. Karen followed along dutifully, camcorder pressed to her eye.

Fortunately, the baptism was early in the service and only the invocation, call to worship and first hymn were impacted by Scott’s wailing. As soon as the ceremony was over Carrie could take him to the nursery for the remainder of the service.

Eight and half long minutes later Pastor O’Donnell came down out of the chancel and invited the family to come forward for the baptism.

Missy Moore, who was seated in the pew behind the Winslows, said, “Karen, why don’t you let me take the camera for you?”

Karen looked at Missy skeptically. It was clear from her expression that she wasn’t sure she could trust someone else with such an essential task.

“Yeah, Mom,” Carrie chimed in. “You should be in this video.”

Karen reluctantly handed the camera to Missy. “Don’t worry,” Missy said, “I know what to do.” She positioned herself at the near end of the pew to get a good angle on the proceedings.

The family gathered around the baptismal font. Pastor O’Donnell led the parents in their vows of caring for sweet little Scott’s spiritual upbringing. Even with his lapel microphone, he had to shout to be heard over sweet little Scott.

Then Tammy Billings led the congregation in their part of the ceremony. She did not have a lapel microphone, but there was a mic on a stand available to her. Unfortunately, when she turned it on, Scott’s wailing caused a screeching feedback, which in turn caused Scott (and a few members of the congregation) to wail even louder. Tammy quickly turned off the microphone.

Luckily the text of the ceremony was in the hymnal and the congregation managed to read in relative unison despite being unable to hear their leader.

When they finished, Pastor O’Donnell removed Scott’s knit cap and handed it to Carrie. He dipped his fingers in the water in the baptismal font and placed his wet hand on Scott’s little head. The sensation of the water startled Scott so much he stopped crying.

O’Donnell breathed a sigh of relief, then said, “Scott Michael Lopez, I baptize you in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost.”

Little Scott looked into O’Donnell’s eyes and gave him the most heartwarming smile. Startled, O’Donnell smiled back.

And then it hit him.

It seemed while O’Donnell was baptizing him, Scott was working on a little project in his diaper. A project that gave off astoundingly noxious fumes. O’Donnell reeled back. His eyes began to water. Through the tears he marveled that such an adorable little creature could produce a smell so foul.

Many in the congregation were touched to see their pastor crying. It was sweet, they thought, that he was still so moved by the ceremony of baptism after all these years in ministry.

O’Donnell watched each member of the family recoil slightly as the invisible cloud of putrescence spread out from Scott’s diaper. They all tried not to react. After all, though the aroma may have seemed like something emanating from the depths of hell, it was a normal biological activity for an infant. But the smiles that had previously been such natural expressions of the family’s joy had turned into frozen grimaces.

Carrie and Carlos knew immediately what the problem was. They had just started little Scott on solid foods and he was having a profound reaction to avocados – though he seemed to love them.

The expanding stench reached Missy. She gasped and began scooting down her pew trying to escape the funk. Karen noticed this and hissed at her, gesturing for her to return to her previous spot.

“I’m using the zoom,” Missy said quietly.

“Get back here,” Karen growled.

Missy took a deep breath, held it, and resumed her position.

Little Scott nestled in Pastor O’Donnell’s arms, cooing adorably at him. But the pungent bouquet only seemed to be getting worse.

“Now let me introduce this little guy to the congregation,” O’Donnell said and started up the central aisle, turning from side to side so everyone could see the baby. O’Donnell had hoped that he might escape the area of contamination but it soon became apparent that the scent travelled with its source.

As he passed, the congregants leaned forward to get a better view of the cherubic infant. And quickly jerked away when the stench hit their noses.

O’Donnell made it back to the front of the church and returned the baby to Carrie. He declared Scott baptized and dismissed the family. Though Scott was no longer crying, Carrie didn’t even pause at the pew, heading straight for the nursery. She wanted to get that diaper into a containment unit before it could do any more damage.

The rest of the family returned to the second pew, except for Del who resumed his position in the choir. Celia Simmons leaned back and grumbled, “Pastor O’Donnell forgot to bring your grandson up here so the choir could see him.”

Del patted her shoulder and said, “Trust me, he was doing you a favor.”

Celia would have asked Del to explain himself but it was time for the next hymn.

Four years from now the Winslows will finally sit down to watch the recording of the baptism for the first time. They will have forgotten all about the aromatic part of the day – until about halfway through the ceremony when Missy’s whispered voice comes on the tape. Missy apparently didn’t recall that the camera’s microphone was closer to her than anyone else and would therefore pick up the prayer she muttered under her breath.

“Dear Lord,” Missy had prayed, “please grant me strength to endure these evil fumes. I’m sorry I didn’t buy any candy bars from that kid at the grocery store. I promise if you get me through this I will put twenty dollars in the offering plate.”

After that the Winslows will no longer be able to hear what Missy says because it will be drowned out by their laughter. Four year-old Scott will look at his parents and grandparents in confusion. It must be one of those jokes only old people get, he will figure.

In memory of Nez Smith.

Locked Out

Hear the story read by the author.

In the town of Normal, Pennsylvania, there’s a little church at the corner of Wilson and Elm. One Wednesday evening Associate Pastor Michelle Tellum was working late by herself in her basement office when she thought she heard the sound of glass breaking outside. “The raccoons are in the trash again,” she thought. She grabbed the squirt gun she kept to frighten the furry bandits away and headed upstairs.

But when she exited the rear of the church she found the trash bin lid tightly in place and no sign of masked troublemakers. She shrugged and turned to go back inside.

Only to discover the door had locked behind her.

That’s when she realized she’d left her purse with her keys and her cell phone down in her office. She knew Jose the janitor had already finished up for the night and would have locked everything down tight. But she figured the coffee shop down the block would still be open and would probably let her use their phone.

She was halfway across the lawn when the sprinklers came on. She dashed back to the church porch, thoroughly soaked. Now, Michelle was not overly vain but she didn’t relish the embarrassment of going into the coffee shop with a clingy wet shirt and stringy damp hair. She decided to look for an alternate way into the church first.

The sound Michelle heard was not raccoons. It was a man named Don who broke a window in the choir room door to gain access to the church. Don was not really a bad man but he was not really a good man either. Mostly he was lazy and an alcoholic. And when he was out of money and really needed a drink he would occasionally steal something. He figured the church would be easy to break into and would probably have something lying around that he could pawn.

If Michelle knew about the broken window she could have easily gotten back inside. But of course if she knew there was a prowler on the premises she wouldn’t have been so anxious to get back inside in the first place. Since she didn’t know about the broken window, she made a different plan.

She could see that the window of the teens’ room on the second floor was open a crack. There was a small lip of roof below it, just above a side door. Michelle rummaged through the garbage and found a crate. By using it as a step she was able to pull herself up onto the little bit of roof.

The window was small and only opened half way but Michelle thought she just might be able to slither through. With a little effort she wriggled her head and shoulders in. From there she easily slid the upper part of her body through. But as she squeezed her hips under the sash, the seat of her pants caught on a screw that had worked its way loose. As she pushed forward, she heard her pants tear. The more she pushed, the more they tore.

Finally, she decided she better back out and try again. She reached her foot down to find the roof and it slid into the gutter. As she shifted her weight back, the gutter tore away from the roof. Without its support Michelle hurtled backward.

Fortunately she didn’t fall directly onto the gravel path or she might have been badly hurt. Instead she landed in the bushes beside the path. Unfortunately they were rose bushes and full of thorns. She didn’t sustain any serious damage, but she scratched her face and arms up pretty good.

Michelle crawled out of the bushes and stood up. She craned her body around to try to ascertain how big the tear in her pants was. It was big. And then out of the corner of her eye she noticed the security camera. She knew the church had security cameras, of course, but was so used to them it had slipped her mind. Currently she was mooning this particular camera. She made a mental note to delete that tape once she got back inside.

Meanwhile, Don hit the jackpot. He had found his way to Michelle’s office and discovered her purse. He dug out her wallet and took all her cash. He left everything else. Cash was easy and untraceable.

Outside Michelle was beginning to get cold. She had to find a way back in. She circled the building and finally discovered the broken window. “That’s odd,” she thought, “Nobody told me this window was broken. I bet one of the kids did it and was afraid to say anything.” Regardless, it was a way in.

Don was just coming back to the choir room as Michelle entered through the door. He heard her in the nick of time and pressed himself against the wall of the hallway. He held his breath and peeked into the dark room. From his vantage point Michelle was silhouetted in moonlight. He could tell it was a woman, but not much else.

Then Michelle took the squirt gun out of her pocket.

All Don saw was the silhouette and his blood ran cold. It was not worth getting shot over a few twenties. He scurried back up the hall looking for any other way out and found the side door. He dashed through, glancing back over his shoulder to see if the woman with the gun was pursuing him.

And he hit his head on the dangling gutter that Michelle had broken. He let out a yelp and fell to the ground, out cold.

Michelle heard Don’s cry. She began to piece together what was really happening. She crept up to the suspiciously open side door with growing dead and looked out. When she saw Don sprawled on the walk she clamped a hand over her mouth to suppress a scream and ran downstairs to her office.

With her office door safely locked, she called the police. The dispatcher sent a patrol car to the church and stayed on the line with Michelle while she waited. That’s when Michelle remembered the tear in her pants. She put the phone on speaker and changed into some sweats she kept in her bottom desk drawer.

It wasn’t long before the dispatcher informed her that the patrol car had arrived and apprehended the intruder. Michelle went out to meet them. She was greeted by a tall and rather handsome officer. “I’m Officer Johnson,” he said. Michelle wished she’d also taken time to fix her hair and put make-up over the scratches on her face while she was waiting.

Michelle told handsome Officer Johnson what had happened, leaving out the part about her pants ripping. He took notes then complimented her on her bravery.

“What do you do here at the church?” he asked.

“I’m the associate pastor,” Michelle told him.

“I didn’t know pastors could be so pretty,” he said with a wink. “I’ll have to start coming to church.”

Michelle’s cheeks reddened. She tried not to grin like an idiot.

“Well, I’m done here,” Officer Johnson said, flipping his book closed. “Maybe I’ll see you around.”

“I hope so,” Michelle said.

Officer Johnson started to turn away, then stopped. “One more thing. I notice you have a security camera above that door. We’ll want a copy of the tape for evidence.”

Michelle cheeks went from red to pale.

A Tale of Three Fathers

Hear the story read by the author.

In the town of Normal, Pennsylvania, there’s a little church at the corner of Wilson and Elm. The congregation includes many fathers and sons and daughters, of course. And on Father’s Day the sons and daughters celebrated their fathers in many different ways. These are three of their stories.

Katie and Henry

When Pastor Henry O’Donnell came down to breakfast, his teenage daughter Katie was waiting for him with a gift and a joyful greeting of, “Happy Father’s Day.”

She followed that up with, “Oh Dad, you’re not going to wear that tie again, are you?”

The tie in question was green with a pink cartoon duck on it. Katie had given it to him when she was five, proudly telling him she had picked it out herself. Henry had worn it to preach every Father’s Day since. He always used the story of Katie giving him the tie in his sermons. During coffee hour many of the congregants would compliment Katie on her taste.

But by the time Katie was ten, she’d realized the tie was extremely ugly and the compliments were meant ironically. She begged her father to dispose of the tie. Henry always refused, just as he did this year.

Katie’s gift this Father’s Day was a box of golf balls. She also announced that she would be taking the family out to dinner. “Where?” Henry asked.

“It’s a surprise,” she told him.

That evening Henry, Katie, and her mother, Jennifer, drove to a new steak place in Tenor Falls called Buckeye Pete’s. Jennifer informed Henry that Katie had picked it out herself and made the reservation. What Jennifer didn’t know was that Katie chose this restaurant because of a particular tradition they had. If anybody came in wearing a tie, they would cut it off and hang it on the wall. Katie knew her father would wear the pink duck tie all day and figured she could finally be free of the embarrassment.

Katie led the family into Buckeye Pete’s. “Reservation for three under Katie O’Donnell,” she told the hostess. Then she stepped aside so the woman could see her father’s tie.

Only he wasn’t wearing the tie.

Katie’s mouth dropped open in amazement. Henry leaned down and whispered in her ear, “I’ve heard of this place, too.” Then he patted a bulge in his jacket pocket. Katie sighed. But the steak was terrific so it wasn’t a total loss.

Tyler

“What’s that?” four-year-old Mary Boyer asked. She was sitting with seven-year-old Tyler Park during coffee hour after church and looking at the Father’s Day card he had drawn in Sunday school. It showed a man in a black hat and trench coat engaged in a gun battle with some criminals.

“That’s my Dad,” Tyler replied. “He lives in Chicago. He’s a spy.”

“Really?” Mary asked, wide-eyed.

“Yep,” Tyler said, “but it’s a secret so don’t tell anyone. He’s saved the world forty-two times. He’s a hero and has a big chest full of medals that the President gave him.”

“Wow,” Mary marveled.

“What does your Dad do?” Tyler asked.

“He works in an office,” Mary said, with just a hint of jealousy in her voice.

Just then Mary’s father, Kevin Boyer, came to get her. Mary wondered how many times he had saved the world. She doubted it was more than half a dozen. The family headed out to the car, Mary’s parents laughing about the pastor’s tie. Mary didn’t get the joke. She thought the pink duck was kind of neat.

Meanwhile, Tyler showed his Mom, Audra, his card, explaining it in great detail.

“Do you think he’ll like it?” Tyler asked.

“I’m sure he will,” she replied, smiling. But Tyler noticed her eyes looked kind of sad.

They mailed the new card on the way home. After lunch, Tyler called his Dad. They talked for twelve minutes before Tyler’s Dad said he had to go to work at his job at the pizza joint. It was about seven minutes longer than Audra thought her ex would last.

After the conversation Tyler retreated to his room. Audra watched TV and tried not to worry about him. An hour or so later Tyler came out with an armload of drawings. “Mom, can I show you what I drew?” he asked.

“Sure,” Audra said. Tyler spread the papers out. They turned out to be a rough comic book featuring Audra as a superhero saving the world. As Tyler was finishing up his narration of the story he noticed there were tears in his Mom’s eyes.

“Are you sad, Mom?” he asked.

“No, honey,” Audra replied and gave Tyler a big hug.

Mary and Susie and Kevin

Like Tyler, Mary had made a card in Sunday school featuring a picture of her Dad. She had drawn him sitting on the couch watching TV. Kevin didn’t quite know how to take that. His wife Jill thought it was hilarious.

Mary didn’t draw the picture because Kevin was any more of a couch potato than the average guy – in fact, he spent as much time playing sports as he did watching them – she drew the picture because the gift she and her two-year-old sister Susie were giving their father was to wait on him hand and foot while he watched a stock car race on television.

When they got home Mary and Susie ordered Kevin to sit on the couch. Mary tucked a cozy blanket around him despite the fact that it was actually a fairly warm day. Then the two girls headed for the kitchen to get him a drink.

When they returned a few minutes later, Mary carrying a can of soda and Susie a glass of ice, Mary saw that the blanket was bunched up on Kevin’s lap.

“Your blanket fell,” she observed. She climbed up on the arm of the couch and pulled it back in place, making sure to tuck it in extra tight this time.

“Thanks, sweetie, but it’s a little warm,” Kevin gasped.

“I’ll fan you!” Mary cried with delight. She grabbed a magazine and began waving it vigorously.

“Thanks,” Kevin said after the fourth time she had accidentally swatted his ear. “I’m much cooler now.” He noticed Jill peeking in from the kitchen with a smirk on her face.

The girls joined their mother in the kitchen and returned a few minutes later with a big bowl of microwave popcorn.

“Look Daddy,” Mary said, “We made it ourselves.”

“Very impressive,” Kevin said. He took the bowl from them and noticed that half of the popcorn was scorched black.

“Eat it, Daddy!” Susie shouted. Kevin took a handful and tossed it in his mouth. He could just barely taste the butter under the overpowering flavor of charcoal. The girls watched expectantly. He took another handful.

Mary observed a bead of sweat trickle down Kevin’s temple. “You’re hot again,” she declared and picked up the magazine.

“It’s my turn to fan him!” Susie wailed. She grabbed the magazine and the two girls engaged in a tug of war. In the process they spilled Kevin’s soda in his lap. To his disappointment they completely missed the bowl of blackened popcorn.

“Sorry, Daddy,” the girls said in unison. Kevin took a deep breath. He knew they meant well.

When Kevin returned from changing his clothes, he could hear the girls in the kitchen arguing about who got to bring him his new drink. He turned off the TV just as they returned to the living room carrying a dangerously full glass of soda between them.

“Why did you turn the TV off?” Mary asked.

“The race is over,” Kevin lied. Mary and Susie looked disappointed. “You know what I’d really like to do now? Go to the park. Do you want to come with me?” The girls’ faces immediately perked up.

While they were getting ready Jill pulled Kevin aside and asked if he wanted her to take the girls to the park so he could enjoy the rest of the race in peace. “It’ll be my Father’s Day present to you,” she said.

“No, that’s okay,” Kevin replied. “I really do want to take them.”

A short time later he was sitting on a hard wooden bench by the playground with no snacks and no drinks and thankfully no cozy blanket watching his daughters play spies instead of watching cars going around in a circle really fast on TV. Most days he would have considered this a chore but today he found he was enjoying himself.

Then Mary fell and skinned her knee. As Kevin fussed over the slight wound Mary thought about Tyler’s Dad. Mary decided she was pretty glad that her father was just a businessman who lived in Normal instead of a hero spy that lived in Chicago. She gave Kevin a big hug and said, “Happy Father’s Day, Daddy.”

11 p.m.

At 11 p.m. Katie and Tyler and Mary and Susie were all in bed. Kevin was watching highlights of the race he had missed, Audra was leafing through Tyler’s drawings and Henry was hanging up his favorite tie until next year. It had been quite a fine Father’s Day for all of them.

For my Dad.